i wish i was dead.

well, it's friday. i think that says a lot by itself. the kids are being loud. and i still haven't got paid from cory. hope and jeff are going to the store and then i will get paid from them. at least they remember. cory doesn't. the weather is pretty shity and i miss nick a lot. i just keep thinking that i want a baby. i want one sooo badly. i can't stand it much longer. there are so many people that i went to school with that have babies. and a lot of them aren't good parents. like cory..he just had a baby girl and he doesn't even care about seeing her. gabby is whining that she didn't get to go to walmart with hope and jeff. oh fucking well. there are worse things in life than not getting to go to the store. i miss nick a lot. i really can't wait until he gets home. i hope that his check is good. i am getting 30 dollars from hope and 50 dollars from cory. i get to pay the computer payment this week. nick has to pay 100 for getting his car fixed, 50 for the car payment, he'll probably put 50 in the bank, and then he has gas to worry about for next week. he should be getting his car back someday next week. i hope. he doesn't want to wait much long for it and neither do i. if we don't get to go do something next weekend then i think i will scream. i am sick of being stuck in this house. the only thing we can do is walk to places and the movies, or the store is a really long walk. and we've done that the past 2 weekends. i am really getting sick of walking. i want a soda so badly. i am making spaghetti tonight. i want to start it already. but, i am waiting on hope and jeff to get back from walmart so it's done about the same time as if hope we going to make it. i am glad that hope is going to give me 30 dollars. i had her kids about 3 and a half days this week. and she bought me 2 packs of cigarettes already so i didn't run out during the week. i don't see why i don't buy more than one pack at a time..i always run out shortly after i buy them. if i didn't buy more than one pack at a time i think i would want to buy them from indiana..and nick doesn't have his car back yet so that is out of the question. hmm. i feel really sick. i haven't really eaten anything today. just a few chips. i am going to go to the gas station and get some mother fuckin' combos. yumm. i can't wait. that's why i am hoping that cory pays me the full 50 at one time this week. i will be so pissed if he doesn't. last week he paid me 20 on friday and 30 on saturday. i hate being paid like that. ugh, i don't have any soda either. so i have to get one while i am at the gas station getting combos and cigarettes. lol. i cried to nick so hard today, it felt really good to know that he understands why i am acting so weird and depressed. i know that he wants a kid pretty badly. and he knows that i want one. even though i don't think that it would be the easiest thing to handle right now with all these kids i watch already. but, if i got pregnant now then when i had the baby all the kids would be in school most of the time. i think a big reason why i want a baby so bad right now is because when nick is at work i feel so alone, like no one loves me. i have so much love i can and would give to a baby. i know i would be a great parent. even though i still have a lot of growing up to do. but i think that everyone has a lot of growing up to do no matter what age they are at. i mean look at how my grandpa was, of jeff. i don't know how to explain it. they are/were great parents but still acted a little immature at times. so when are you mature enough to have a baby? and unless you are extremely rich you're not really financially stable either. i know nick and i have a lot of bills to pay right now, but who's saying that we will still have those bills once we have a baby? i have been really emotional lately. i don't know why and i don't really understand it. i'm not going to shannah's baby shower tomorrow. but i will still get her something. or maybe nick and i will go together. i don't know yet. i'm not sure nick wants to go...but maybe i could talk him into it. i don't really want to go either though. ugh. i can't wait for bed time. i am so tired.