Confused.

there are so many things going through my head, i can't stand it anymore. i think i might be pregnant. but i think that is only wishful thinking. i can't poop. i know that's gross, but whatever. i have like 8 or so of the 13 signs of pregnancy that i read online. either i am pregnant or there is something wrong with me.

anyway, i got my monroe pierced yesterday. i am so happy to have another piercing. i missed them sooo much. today is mine and nick's one year anniversary. we'll probably fight. we got into it the other day and i smashed my jack skellington clock against my door. it broke. nick kicked the door in and hit my hand when he did. there was glass everywhere. i am so bored. i only have one cigarette left. so i hope he didn't spend all his money today at work. i really need some in the morning.. he probably did though. i wont be suprised. he can't hold on to money to save his life. i wish i had just a few more cigarettes left though because i really want to smoke one. ugh. this sucks. i waited for him last night so he could see my piercing. i don't think he likes it. but i really don't care. i am so happy to have it done. this weekend we have to get a pregnancy test..just to make sure. the 4th of july is monday. which means nick has a 3 day weekend. ): fuck. but that means jeff does too! so i know there wont be that much fighting. sometimes i just want to die. nick makes me so mad. he is such an asshole. he makes me feel like a huge fuck up and a complete waste of space. i know he knows that he's doing it. he was never like this..until that one night that me, him, and lauren got drunk at his dad's house. that was a horrible night. i know that i am not perfect but he expects me to be. he wants me to be the same person i was in high school without sleeping around with other people. well i have news for him...it's not going to happen. i was a lonely, depressed, whore in high school. i would take attention from whoever gave it to me. and then i would usually have sex with them. i used to cut myself..a lot. i was a vegetarian. that part can come back..lol. but if i do act even a little bit like i did in high school, without acting like a whore, he gets mad at me. i told him that he acts like a pregnant woman on steroids. and i really think he does.

ugh, i just don't know what to do anymore. jeff told hope to talk to him. because if he makes me mad enough to leave again i'm not coming back. jeff and hope know that and that's what jeff wants hope to talk to him about. jeff thinks that nick needs to stop pissing me off because they need me to watch their kids. without me jeff said nick would have to quit his job and watch their kids. and nick can't afford to lose his job but neither can hope or jeff. so...jeff thinks it would be in everyones best interest if nick just lightened up and stopped his childish bullshit. i am really tempted to leave nick again, but if i do that then there would be no one to watch the kids. because i can garentee that nick would move out before he would quit his job.