Duh.

so come to find out that i went to the hospital just because i can't poop...and nothing else. they gave me laxative to drink tonight. a whole bottle of it. i don't think so. i am going to wait until tomorrow around noonish to start drinking it. i don't know how it will affect me. ugh. i am so sore..i'm not pregnant. ): it's sad. i want a baby so badly i think i am just making these aches and pains up in my head. well, it's one am and nick should be home in a couple hours. i think i might stay up and wait for him tonight. there is something that i want to get him for our anniversary. it's an avenged sevenfold wallet. it's only 5 dollars. well, 14 with tax and shipping. but it's still really awesome to find an avenged sevenfold wallet for 5 dollars!

anyway, i am super bored. i want nick to come home already. jeff and hope both have tomorrow off of work. yay... :/ i made nick some mac n cheese because for the past 2 days hope hasn't been putting up any food for him. i haven't eaten dinner in the past 2 days either. it really sucks not being able to eat what i want when i want. i want to move out of this place so badly. i hate it here. we have to get all our bills caught up before we can even think about moving out though. ): ugh. there are very few advantages to living here. thank god nick gets his car back tomorrow. i am fucking going insane staying here all the time. i hate it here so much. hope uses me for an excuse to come up in my room, even when i am asleep, to smoke. jeff thinks she quit. i don't know how he can't smell it on her. he can smell it any other time someone else smokes...but not her. makes no sense. anyway, i guess nikki wont give lona most of the money out of her check and now lona is kicking nikki and sage out. but i highly doubt that will last long. nikki and sage need that place. and mom isn't going to stand for it. nikki can just go stay with aunt jake & grandma but i highly doubt that will happen either.

Confused.

there are so many things going through my head, i can't stand it anymore. i think i might be pregnant. but i think that is only wishful thinking. i can't poop. i know that's gross, but whatever. i have like 8 or so of the 13 signs of pregnancy that i read online. either i am pregnant or there is something wrong with me.

anyway, i got my monroe pierced yesterday. i am so happy to have another piercing. i missed them sooo much. today is mine and nick's one year anniversary. we'll probably fight. we got into it the other day and i smashed my jack skellington clock against my door. it broke. nick kicked the door in and hit my hand when he did. there was glass everywhere. i am so bored. i only have one cigarette left. so i hope he didn't spend all his money today at work. i really need some in the morning.. he probably did though. i wont be suprised. he can't hold on to money to save his life. i wish i had just a few more cigarettes left though because i really want to smoke one. ugh. this sucks. i waited for him last night so he could see my piercing. i don't think he likes it. but i really don't care. i am so happy to have it done. this weekend we have to get a pregnancy test..just to make sure. the 4th of july is monday. which means nick has a 3 day weekend. ): fuck. but that means jeff does too! so i know there wont be that much fighting. sometimes i just want to die. nick makes me so mad. he is such an asshole. he makes me feel like a huge fuck up and a complete waste of space. i know he knows that he's doing it. he was never like this..until that one night that me, him, and lauren got drunk at his dad's house. that was a horrible night. i know that i am not perfect but he expects me to be. he wants me to be the same person i was in high school without sleeping around with other people. well i have news for him...it's not going to happen. i was a lonely, depressed, whore in high school. i would take attention from whoever gave it to me. and then i would usually have sex with them. i used to cut myself..a lot. i was a vegetarian. that part can come back..lol. but if i do act even a little bit like i did in high school, without acting like a whore, he gets mad at me. i told him that he acts like a pregnant woman on steroids. and i really think he does.

ugh, i just don't know what to do anymore. jeff told hope to talk to him. because if he makes me mad enough to leave again i'm not coming back. jeff and hope know that and that's what jeff wants hope to talk to him about. jeff thinks that nick needs to stop pissing me off because they need me to watch their kids. without me jeff said nick would have to quit his job and watch their kids. and nick can't afford to lose his job but neither can hope or jeff. so...jeff thinks it would be in everyones best interest if nick just lightened up and stopped his childish bullshit. i am really tempted to leave nick again, but if i do that then there would be no one to watch the kids. because i can garentee that nick would move out before he would quit his job.

Blood on my Hands.

i cut myself today.. i'm talking to don. i want to be with him. but he doesn't want to be with me. who would want to though. i can't blame him. i'm unlovable.

i wish i was dead.

well, it's friday. i think that says a lot by itself. the kids are being loud. and i still haven't got paid from cory. hope and jeff are going to the store and then i will get paid from them. at least they remember. cory doesn't. the weather is pretty shity and i miss nick a lot. i just keep thinking that i want a baby. i want one sooo badly. i can't stand it much longer. there are so many people that i went to school with that have babies. and a lot of them aren't good parents. like cory..he just had a baby girl and he doesn't even care about seeing her. gabby is whining that she didn't get to go to walmart with hope and jeff. oh fucking well. there are worse things in life than not getting to go to the store. i miss nick a lot. i really can't wait until he gets home. i hope that his check is good. i am getting 30 dollars from hope and 50 dollars from cory. i get to pay the computer payment this week. nick has to pay 100 for getting his car fixed, 50 for the car payment, he'll probably put 50 in the bank, and then he has gas to worry about for next week. he should be getting his car back someday next week. i hope. he doesn't want to wait much long for it and neither do i. if we don't get to go do something next weekend then i think i will scream. i am sick of being stuck in this house. the only thing we can do is walk to places and the movies, or the store is a really long walk. and we've done that the past 2 weekends. i am really getting sick of walking. i want a soda so badly. i am making spaghetti tonight. i want to start it already. but, i am waiting on hope and jeff to get back from walmart so it's done about the same time as if hope we going to make it. i am glad that hope is going to give me 30 dollars. i had her kids about 3 and a half days this week. and she bought me 2 packs of cigarettes already so i didn't run out during the week. i don't see why i don't buy more than one pack at a time..i always run out shortly after i buy them. if i didn't buy more than one pack at a time i think i would want to buy them from indiana..and nick doesn't have his car back yet so that is out of the question. hmm. i feel really sick. i haven't really eaten anything today. just a few chips. i am going to go to the gas station and get some mother fuckin' combos. yumm. i can't wait. that's why i am hoping that cory pays me the full 50 at one time this week. i will be so pissed if he doesn't. last week he paid me 20 on friday and 30 on saturday. i hate being paid like that. ugh, i don't have any soda either. so i have to get one while i am at the gas station getting combos and cigarettes. lol. i cried to nick so hard today, it felt really good to know that he understands why i am acting so weird and depressed. i know that he wants a kid pretty badly. and he knows that i want one. even though i don't think that it would be the easiest thing to handle right now with all these kids i watch already. but, if i got pregnant now then when i had the baby all the kids would be in school most of the time. i think a big reason why i want a baby so bad right now is because when nick is at work i feel so alone, like no one loves me. i have so much love i can and would give to a baby. i know i would be a great parent. even though i still have a lot of growing up to do. but i think that everyone has a lot of growing up to do no matter what age they are at. i mean look at how my grandpa was, of jeff. i don't know how to explain it. they are/were great parents but still acted a little immature at times. so when are you mature enough to have a baby? and unless you are extremely rich you're not really financially stable either. i know nick and i have a lot of bills to pay right now, but who's saying that we will still have those bills once we have a baby? i have been really emotional lately. i don't know why and i don't really understand it. i'm not going to shannah's baby shower tomorrow. but i will still get her something. or maybe nick and i will go together. i don't know yet. i'm not sure nick wants to go...but maybe i could talk him into it. i don't really want to go either though. ugh. i can't wait for bed time. i am so tired.

i hate kids.

i need to get high so badly. ugh, i am sick of dealing with all these kids. i hate them. i wish nick and i both had real jobs and still had our old apartment on pearl street. i miss that apartment so bad. i hate living here. i hate it so much. everyone is so annoying and they are just plan assholes. i am sitting here waiting for hope, jeff, and cory to come home. i want to go to sleep. but i know if i do then i wont get any dinner tonight. i didn't get any last night either. hmm. i want to listen to music.
and payton keeps saying that she is hungry. she didn't eat what she made last time, which wasn't even two hours ago, so she isn't getting anything to eat now. fuck that. I HATE KIDSSSS!

Life.

I don't have a normal life. I am basically a house wife. I do nothing and have to ask to do the things I want to do..and Nick's answer is usually "No". So I have given up on a lot of things. I look at all these people I know that live happy lives and are out having fun, and what do I do all day? Baby sit. ): Ugh. Sometimes I think I would be better off just leaving and kind of living the life I never had. I know I could move to Sturgis with my dad. But I really don't want to do that. I don't even know how I would get there if I were to do that. I want to get a real job and a real life. Ugh. I really hate this. I have to do everything with Nick. I can't even go to the gas station without asking him. And I hate that he has to support me. He buys me cigarettes, clothes, soda, etc. I feel like I can't do anything for myself. ): I can't even talk to the people I want to talk to. Life fucking sucks. I just want to have fun.. That's not going to happen anytime soon.

Annoying Day.

Today was horrible. Nick pissed me off after I walked in the rain with 4 kids to mail his driver resposiblity check so he wouldn't get his lisence taken away. What an asshole. Yesterday was really good though. We went shopping with Lacey. Then just me and Nick went to a movie. Hope and Jeff still hasn't paid us back yet. But they are going to have to tomorrow. Because I am almost out of cigarettes and Nick is going to need gas when he gets his car back. Which should be tomorrow. I hope anyway. Hope has the other 100 dollars that needs to go to frank's transmission inorder for Nick to get his car back. And she owes us 50 dollars. Ugh. I hate people sometimes. They should of paid us back today but they didn't go anywhere. And they have to go to the bank to get money out. Fuck. They better do it tomorrow anyway. For some reason today was just a fucking awful day in general. I hated it. When I took a nap I had to force myself to sleep and then I couldn't even stay asleep. Now I am listening to Mickey Avalon. I have to take a shower in about an hour or so. I hate taking showers when everyone is awake. Dreyton has walked in on me naked too much. The kids barely ever knock. And only one door locks. Sometimes I wish I was single with all the perks I have now. I need to find a super rich, good looking, decent guy that will support me and take me away from this hell hole. Ugh. If Nick seen that he would kill me. Probably literally.
Ugh, I have the internet and I find it so boring that I am playing a fucking card game. Gay! I need to find someone to talk to already. I am not really caring who it is at this point.

Eyes Wide Open.

I am watching kids while Hope is at work. Nick went to work. And I just keep thinking. Nick and I fight a lot. But no one will ever love me like he does. We love each other 100 times harder than we fight. I love him with all my heart. I feel a sense of...completeness. I think anyway. Or it is just temporary. I hope it's not. We are thinking about getting my last name changed instead of getting married for a few years. Hmm. Cory owes me 50 dollars. And he went down to work out. Fucker. I am suppose to go pay Nick's ticket. But I doubt that's going to happen. I am probably just going to call and see if I can pay it on Monday. That way I don't have to worry about it today. I called and they said I can pay in on Monday. Thank goodness. I will just tell Nick that I called and am paying it on Monday. They came and got his car yesterday. Yay! (: It is FINALLY getting fixed. I can't wait until it's done. I want to go to the gas station. I have to find Nick's check to get it mailed out today. I don't remember where I put it. Oh god. I hope one of the kids didn't get ahold of it. That would really, really suck. I just have to find the baby shower invite to find the check. The search is on!

Nap (:

nick is still at work. so i got the laundry folded and put away. now i am laying in bed listening to avenged sevenfold. i think i listen to this song too much. i loveeee it. (: it's the song that most relates to my life. nick's car was suppose to be towed today. i don't know if they came and got it yet. i took a really long nap today. it was really needed. i was thinking, and i kind of realized that no one will ever love me like nick does...so why am i pushing him away. at least in my head i am. he tries a lot. and i love that about him. but he doesn't try in the areas that need it the most. my mom came over today to pick sage up and she stayed for awhile and took nick to the store to get food for the house, and i made lunch and she stayed for that too. it was nice to have her around for a little while. nick and her got along, which was the best part. ugh, i have half of a cigarette left. and i really want to smoke it. i think i will just eat some chips so i wont smoke it. it's almost 2 am..nick got home about 3 am last night. ):
hmmm.

Free Babysitter. ):

i need a vacation. ugh.
this whole "i'm leaving and you have to watch my kids" thing is getting old...fast.
i don't know how much more i can take. 
i have had kids all fucking day.
and then hope comes home and isn't here for even ten minutes when she says she's going to the store to get meat and leaves me with her son without asking me if i will watch him.
i have had to watch her daughters all day almost, and jeffrey.
i don't want to watch kids all day.
and she isn't even paying me for watching her kids today.
i just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
i barely have any cigarettes.
so i know i am going to be stressed out tomorrow while i watch all the kids until cory gets home and pays me.
i have to go to the court house tomorrow to pay on nick's ticket, and i just know that cory is going to fuck around until almost 5 pm so i'm not even sure if i will get there on time.
ugh..
):
i just want to die sometimes.
i can't take all this.
jeffrey wont listen.
i hate kids.
i really do.
i want to get my tubes tied.
):
someone save me please.

Angel. (:

so i am at angel's.
it's nice to get out of the house for awhile.
if nick knew he would kill me.
but what he doesn't know wont hurt him.
bahaha.
i am tierd of being his fucking slave.
we have to have a talk tonight.
i can't take this anymore.
i am still like his slave.
i am just about done with this.
i am not in love with him anymore.
i do love him.. just not in the way i used to.
ugh, this shit is sooo confusing.
i wish things were simple. 
ha, that wont ever happen.
it's 10 pm and i know i need to be getting home soon.
but, i don't want to.
i want to stay away from that place as long as i can.
-sigh.
nick and i made a "deal" i guess that i wouldn't get on the computer while he is at work because i wouldn't let him get on facebook and watch porn this morning.
tough shit i want to spend sometime with him.
"my pussy hurts" -angel.
bahaha.

Think Hard.

i keep thinking that i need to do this.
i look at the untouched metal and long for it's attention.
i miss the way it used to make me feel.
like i was whole.
i miss the way dragging the sharp edge across my skin felt.
i want to do it again and again.
until i can't do it anymore.
what do i do?
should i give in to these urges?
or let them pass?
i know that this urge will come back to haunt me.
it always does.
i miss the way my blood ran down my pale flesh.
would people find out?
if they did, would they be angry at me?
the depression is hitting me like a mac truck.
it's so hard to resit this.
i can't.
yet, i have to.
not for myself, but for others.
i want to feel it just once more.
the lovely feeling it gives.
like a drug.
i am addicted.
can i stop if i start again?
should i do it somewhere no one will see?
but where...
i wish i could talk to you and tell you what i am feeling.
i doubt it would do any good.
i am sure you have forgot all about me by now.
i have to do this.
for you.
i love you.
i wish i could give you everything i feel you have given me.
you may think it was nothing.
but it meant the world to me.

Cramps, ugh.

This period has been the worst I have ever had so far. Ugh. It sucks. I am cramping so bad I want to go to the hospital because I don't think it's normal. Oh well.
On the other hand... Nick and I have been doing somewhat better. We have got into a few fights but nothing as bad as they used to be. We went bowling the other night with his aunt and uncle and we got into it pretty good at the bowling alley because I went outside to smoke a cigarette. Jeff and Hope tore him a new asshole for it too. It was bullshit. I wasn't doing anything wrong and I went outside with his aunt.
He started his work week today, thank goodness. Maybe we wont get into so many fights. His car should be fixed this weeked though. YESSS! I cannot wait. I honestly think that is the biggest reason he has been being an asshole. I tried really hard to not bitch while he was here today. And I think I did pretty good.
I am really tierd. I am probably going to go to sleep early tonight. But I don't want to go to sleep yet. It's only 9 pm. And I know that I wont sleep well if I do. I wish I had someone to hang out with or something. I wish Angel was home, I would just walk down there. But I think she is at work.
Well, my mom stopped by and I went for a walk with her. Ugh if Nick finds out then he will be mad. He sent a message to this phone that I can't look at to call him. But I can't. I have no phone. I will tell him that I was asleep until about 11 if I have to. God. He is full of drama and he knows it. Hope and all them went to bed early and I am not waking them up to ask to use her phone. I refuse to do that. She worked 9 hours today. And Jeff works all the time. He will just have to try to understand that. But I highly doubt that he will. He is a douche. Big time. I don't know what I could possibly tell him if he doesn't believe me. But oh fucking well. I am human and I have free will. I can do whatever I want. As long as I'm not out fucking other people or doing things to get me in trouble then he should be fine and trust me. But it is quite obvious that he doesn't trust me at all. Or else I wouldn't have to lie to him about where I am at. Ugh. This sucks. I know I will have to listen to yelling if I don't call him. But I have no way to. I will try to find that other phone it has less than a minute on it. He is so fucking annoying with his protectiveness. I hate it most of the time. Just let me be me. But I think that is a little too hard for him to do. He just trys to controll me all the time. I am NOT his daughter. I am suppose to be his girlfriend. Apparently our relationship is not 50/50 like it should be. I am always on trial for everything. And even if I don't do whatever he thinks I did then I am still gulity to him for it. Just thinking about him pisses me off.

Friday (:?

Well, things are okay today. Nick and I talked and he realized that I was right last night and that he was being a hypocritical. Ugh, I am watching the kids for Jeff and Hope while they are at the store. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of them all. It doesn't help that Nick's sister, Lorisa, is here too. I can't stand her most of the time. Jeffrey just opened the kitchen door and tried to go outside. Stupid fucker. Cory should be back in a few minutes. I wouldn't trust Cory with a fucking pebble let alone children. Lona made me mad also. I posted on facebook that it seems like everyone is having kids except for me and Nick. And then she wants to talk about Nick and I having to grow up before we can have kids and that a child needs a stable home. She really has a lot of room to talk. Her "husband" sexually assaulted me and she thinks that she is a good mom. She passes her kid to anyone and everyone that will take him. And is always all about Ricky. Also, even after my mom and other sister told her that her husband did that to me she still didn't believe me! She is so dumb. I hope that they get divorced and he dies and she realizes what a douche she is married too.


Anyway, my glasses are broken; again. ): I need to get them fixed. But I don't have the money too. Nick said that he doesn't care if he has to spend a bit of money, he'll get me a new pair. Lord I hope so. It'd be nice to have new glasses. I am waiting to see how the weekend goes. Hope forgot to call Frank's to see if Nick can bring his car in tomorrow instead of the 16th. I forgot until know too. So he might be mad or he might not be. It's up in the air at this point. Usually I couldn't wait for him for go back to work and I dreaded the weekends. But I am hoping that it'll be different this time. He wants to do something like a movie or dinner. But he needs to save his money for his car, pay car insurance, pay rent a center, and give his mom money. Ugh. I doubt that he will have anything left to do something with. Thank goodness I already took care of his driver responsibly fee for this month. Every other month it has been late. Ugh. I am going to take a nap.

Dear God.

Avenged Sevenfold is my savior right now. (: I'm listening to the song "Dear God". It's pretty much amazing. Nick probably isn't going to get out of work on time tonight either. ): Dear God The Only Thing I Ask Of You Is To Hold Her When I'm Not Around When I'm Much Too Far Away. I miss him a lot. I am trying to clean up our bedroom. So far I got the bed and desk moved. That was really challenging. I wish youtube wasn't such a piece of shit and would buffer this video faster. I have a full internet connection. So I really don't know why it's doing this. Maybe I will see if pandora will work. So Nick and I talked about stuff today that would of normally made him mad at me. I don't know how to explain what we talked about. But it was basically about a girl that is a slut fucking some guy that I was going to have sex with; thankfully I didn't. But he just laughed it off basically and that was really shocking. Ugh, web pages are taking forever to load. I wonder if Nick is actually trying to change. I hope he is. Thank goodness Cory has to pay me for watching his kid tomorrow. Because I am out of cigarettes and I want some badly. I just keep playing this song over and over.. I really miss Nick. I just want some attention right now. Any attention really. He will be calling soon though (:

Outside.

I couldn't get an internet connection inside so I thought I would come sit on the front porch. I highly doubt that this is a good idea because I will most likely get attacked by bugs and such. Oh well. Nick is at work, and so far everything with him and I is okay. We both had appointments today. Mine was kind of pointless. But everything happens for a reason, right? Well, it's 82 degrees out and it's midnight. It's suppose to rain in about an hour so I don't have long out here. Nick is probably going to be working late again tonight. Hmm. And I have to get up early to watch Jeffrey. I doubt that he will get home before 5 am. He is pretty hungry so I hope Cory didn't eat his food like last time. Living in a house with 9 other people is hard. But enjoyable at the same time. I think I could write a book on how to survive something like this and come out of it a better person. You really learn how to stand up for yourself. I know I have. And I think I owe that to Hope. Anyway, I am getting kind of freaked out that someone walking by might try to steal my computer. I hope not though. It's not even paid for yet. Haha. So that would really suck. Hope took the kids and me to the pool today. It was fun. Nick would be mad if he found out. Ugh, just because I didn't want to swim that one day. I was stoned off my ass. Of course I wouldn't want to be out in the extreme heat. Lol. I can hear Amber's dog yelping. It's probably on the roof again. But that is not my problem. People keep driving by and they probably think that I am pretty insane for sitting out here this late on a computer. Fuck them. I am bored and have nothing else to do. I wish Angel was up and on facebook. I could probably talk her into taking a walk or something. I am not tired at all and I want to do something. So anyway, there are ways that Nick is still acting like he used to. He constantly asks me to do everything; and that is the most annoying thing ever. He has two feet. But just because I don't have a "real" job I have to do things for him. It isn't my fault that he wanted to leave work Monday and walk from Sturgis to Bronson, and then half way to Coldwater. He knows where my dad lives in Sturgis. He could of went over there and tryed to get a ride from him. I'm sure he would of done it. Hmm. The things he doesn't think about. Haha. There are people outside down the road. I think I am going to smoke another cigarette and go inside. Tomorrow is Thursday and I am very happy about that. It just means the end of the week is coming and Cory owes me 40 dollars. Which should pay on my computer and get me a pack of cigarettes. He should actually owe me 45 because I went and got Jeffrey on Tuesday when I didn't have to. But I knew he would of made Hope do it. And that isn't her child..she shouldn't have to. I am getting ate alive right now. ): It is pretty horrible. I wish people would just stay inside and not come out at night so I wouldn't be so paranoid about someone stealing my laptop. Hmm.

Change?

So I ended up going home with my mom yesterday while Nick was at work. Hope told him where I was, and he started walking to Bronson from Sturgis. He walked for 4 hours until someone picked him up. I bet he can't wait until his car is fixed now. Lol. But we are still together. And hopefully things will get better. They were really bad. Our relationship was going downhill...fast. And I just couldn't take it anymore. He has started to act better and be better to me. But I just hope things don't go back to the way they were. We both agree'd that the past cannot come up anymore, and we can't let the past mistakes dictate how our future will be. I told him he when he gets mad at me he can't bring up the fact that I went to my mom's house either. We ended up walking part of the way to Coldwater until a cop picked us up. It was the strangest thing to ride in a cop car. I had a bag in my purse, it didn't have anything in it; but it was still nerve wrecking. Nick told work that he had to leave early yesterday because a "family emergency". I guess they aren't mad at him and he didn't lose his job. Thank God. I hope Nick doesn't have to work late. But I know he needs to, to make up for the hours he missed yesterday. Ugh. He is going to hate tomorrow more than today. It is suppose to be 95 degrees tomorrow, but I guess it's suppose to be windy too. All I have to do tomorrow is watch Jeffrey. It's almost 1 am and it's 81 degrees out. ): This hot weather shit sucks. I am to the point right now where I am happy when Nick comes home, instead of dreading it. I love him with all my heart and I really didn't want to do what I did yesterday. But I couldn't deal with how badly he was treating me. I deserve a lot better than that. Somethings are still the same; like him wanting me to get his work clothes out, and make his lunch. But, I am hoping that he will learn how to take care of himself. I don't mind doing those things to an extent because he does work and I don't. He takes care of my financially. And I am very grateful for that no matter what anyone else says. I do my best not to ask for a lot and I think he thinks he isn't taking care of me unless he is buying me things. But, I am just not that type of girl. Ya know. The little things mean more to me than the big things. And I hope that doesn't change. Because he is making almost 11 dollars an hour and we don't pay rent anymore. But his car needs fixed and a bunch of other things. Lol. Ugh, I just don't know what to think about anymore. 


Nick and I have a Pines appointment tomorrow at 1 pm. And I have to take Jeffrey. ): It is going to be one longggg walk in the extreme heat. He can't call and cancel again because of court. 


Nick said that he is glad I did what I did yesterday (moving in with my mom) because he isn't sure if anything would of changed if I didn't do it. I have a headache. I just keep thinking that I am so scared that things are going to be like they were and that scares the shit out of me. I have been abused by him in too many ways. I couldn't take it anymore. He says that he loves me and I hope he means it like he says. I don't want to be his rebound. He has such a problem being alone. But he needs to learn to be happy with himself and by himself before he can be truly happy with someone else. I left him a letter telling him what I was doing. But Hope told him over the phone and he freaked out. She even read him the letter I wrote. I hope over all it was for the best. I guess now he knows that I wont put up with his shit and I'm not afraid to leave when I need to get myself out of a situation that isn't healthy. He is going to be mad when he gets home because Cory ate the rest of the chicken and potato wedges that Jeff made for dinner. I guess he will have to eat meatloaf. Ew. Anyway, I lost track of what I was saying before. Nick has to work late tonight. It's 1 am and he said the soonest he will be leaving is 3 or 4 am. It sucks..but it gives us our time apart, even though he is at work. We both know that we need our space and can't be too clingy. Things will get bad really fast if we kept that up. Ugh, anyway I guess it's off to bed all alone.

Tonight.

I have made a really big choice, to leave Nick tonight. I know that it's the right thing to do. He treats me like his slave, and like nothing I do is good enough. I look forward to the days he has to go to work, and dread the days he doesn't work at all. I do everything that he wants me to do and all he does is yell at me and call me a whore and things like that. I don't know what I do to deserve to be treated like this. I can't take it anymore. I am tired of being emotionally abused, and sometime physically abused by him. I treat him so well, and I give him all I have everyday. But I no matter what I do I get treated like a servant that he makes have sex with him. Ugh, I can't do this anymore. My mom wont let me keep my cat. So I don't know what to do with her. I am so nervous. :/ I know that I need this. I have been thinking about this everyday. And now is the time to do it. I am going to give the ring he gave me from his grandma to Hope. I have to leave the computer, obviously. And I wont be able to talk to Hope that much anymore. But I will be able to be myself..finally. I have been dying to act like myself and not have to watch everything I say. Gosh, things used to be really good between Nick and I. I don't even know when things turned sour. I can't even wear clothes that I want without having to worry about if he is going to be mad at me for it. 
I knew that my mom wouldn't tell me that I can't come home. I need to apply for jobs while I can online. Maybe Lona will give me my phone back. Ha! I doubt it. I don't know if I should go pack now or later. I am thinking now, just so I know that I don't forget anything.
I am doing the right thing.
I am doing the right thing.
I am doing the right thing.
I am doing the right thing.
I am doing the right thing.
Am I doing the right thing?
I have to keep reminding myself of all the horrible days I go through. And not remember the good times. They very few good times that we have had. I will be able to act the way I want now. I am so scared that Hope and Jeff are going to be mad at me. Hope says that she isn't. But it scares the hell out of me. She means a lot to me. I wont be able to see Shannah and the kids much anymore. I hope Nick doesn't quit his job. He will probably have to get up to watch Jeffrey tomorrow. Hope said she is just going to ask Kim if she can watch him. But, I don't want that burned on her. I feel like he is my responsibility. Even though I know he is Cory's.
Ugh. I am going to go smoke a cigarette.

Ugh. Today Needs To End Already.

Today has been..interesting to say the least. Jeffrey is being a huge asshole. And I can't stand him today. Dreyton is being good though, which is kind of a shock since it's usually Dreyton that is getting into trouble when I watch him. I will have to watch Gabby soon also. :/ Hope is in Ohio with Payton, on her field trip. Lucky her. Hope bought me a pack of cigarettes today. :) Thank goodness. I was out. I have to pay on Nick's ticket today too. So I hope that Cory pays me before 5 pm. He'll have too or else Nick will go to jail. Hope will probably have to remind Cory to pay me, which will piss me off, but she has to almost everytime he gets paid. Ugh. I can't wait until he pays me so I can get a soda and chips, and pay on his ticket. Cory gets out of work in about 20 minutes. But if he isn't here by 3:40 then I know he went to the bank. But he usually waits until last minute, and that pisses me off more than Hope having to remind him to pay me. Last time Jeff told him to pay me and Cory said that his money is upstairs and that he hasn't been upstairs and then Jeff said "So, go get it. You shouldn't make her wait." God, Jeffrey keeps asking me for things. I just want to yell at him "NOOOOOO!" But I know I can't. I want to get high soooooo fucking bad. And I can't. Maybe I will stop by my old apartment and talk to AJ and see if he will sell me one for 5 dollars. I don't know if i should do that or not though. I might. Ughhh. Could things get any worse? Ha. I know they could. I hate living here. Payton and Cory eat all the food. The kids are just annoying like you wouldn't believe. I can't say anything bad about Hope. She is the only one that is considerate, nice, and not annoying. Well Jeff isn't either, but he is gone most of the time. Which sucks because I wouldn't have to watch their kids so much if he was around more. But that's his choice to keep the job he has. I understand why he wants that job and not a new one. Lol. 
There is only so much I can take. And I have just about reached my limit on this shit. I miss being able to go home and not have to worry about anyone but Nick and myself. But, right now we can't even afford 100 dollars a month. D: It makes me want to cry. But, I can't get a real job because Hope & Cory wouldn't have anyone to watch their kids when they are at work. So I am doing mainly Hope a huge favor by not getting a real job. It would be nice to be able to go to work though. Just to get away from everything once and awhile. Nick promised me that things wouldn't be like they are now when we moved in here.  But things are just like I said they would be. I can't wait until we get everything paid for and are able to go out and not have to come back here every night. I want to rent a hotel room, and I don't like hotels. :/ Nick should have a pretty good check next week, but he is going to have to pay like 250 dollars to get his car fixed. :( I was thinking maybe we could rent one next weekend.. But I highly doubt that will happen. Because Hope is saying she wants money for the truck that Nick traded in. But we can't do that with car insurance(60 a month), car payment(50 a week), getting the car fixed(500 (250 by the 16th)), Nick's ticket(61 in two weeks), and rent-a-center(30 a week). That is a lot of money to be paying out. We don't even make that much money in two weeks. How are we going to do this? I feel like the world is falling to pieces around me. I just want to take duct tape and fix everything. I wish it was that easy. Cory should be here soon. He gets out of work in 5 minutes. The kids are actually being quiet! Thank god. I want to get away from these people already. I hate all them all. 




Cory is here.. No money. >:| This is pissing me off. He just went down stairs so he can work out. No fuck this. I am fucking irate! Asshole!!!

Change?.

Nick is at work. His car is broke down. So he took his mom's van. But he wont be able to take it tomorrow, so I am hoping that his one friend that works with him can take him. We think that his friend lives here in town. I am hoping that Nick can get his car fixed soon. It will cost him $250 just to get it started. :( And he is suppose to take it in the 16th. Hopefully he can get it in sooner. Like tomorrow...maybe. I doubt it tho. Rent-A-Center is due tomorrow, so is Nick's car payment, and Nick's ticket. D: I don't know how he is going to pay it all since he can't drive to Sturgis to get his check tomorrow. Ugh. I have to pee. But I don't want to go down stairs. I hate going down there at night when everyone is sleeping. I only have 2 cigarettes. So I have to wait for Cory to pay me tomorrow until I can get more. And I have to give Nick 20 dollars of the 30 I will get from Cory. Shit, my pee urge is getting worse. Noooo! I was thinking that I need to be more "upbeat" during the day and take things in stride instead of being pissed at everything and taking everything for granted. Hmm. I wonder if "happy" works for everyone. I guess we'll see. I highly doubt that it will happen. Oh well. I am watching tv and it is pretty gay. It's the same shit over and over....and I am sick of it. Which is kind of shocking for me. I guess Dad is trying to get things to start cooking Meth again. I knew it. I got my hope's up. I need to tell my mom to get my dishes back from him. Because I refuse to help him now. My mom knew that he was going to Indiana to look for pills. He is using the excuse that his back hurts because a disk or something is out of place. Ha! Bullshit. He is just playing her like he used too. I guess she is doing the same thing pretty much. Except he is using her for more than sex. She gave him money when she got paid, she was letting him drive her car, she took him to Indiana, and bought a hotel room the first night he got out of jail. She is so naive sometimes...well most days. It's almost 11 pm and I should go pee and get to sleep. I hope Nick hasn't tryed calling me because I don't know where that phone is at. :( He'd be kind of really pissed at me if I didn't answer. I think one of the kids, probably Jeffrey, took off with it somewhere. It probably fell out of my bra. I need to stop putting things in there. :/

Waiting.

I am watching the new South Park. It's okay. Nick started second shift yesterday. He got home around 6 am! He had to work over until 5 am. I was freaking out. I called hospitals and jails. Today has been kind of shity. The kids gave me a huge head ache. Ugh. Sometimes I can't stand them. Nick has food in the microwave. I was shocked that Payton didn't eat it all. I need to fix my hair and make up. I haven't in about a week. I am so tired. Nick barely got any sleep at all and he is going to be really tired when he gets home too. But he wants to go take back the bottles to wal mart. So we are going to. By the time he gets here everyone should be asleep so I can get the cans and bottles out of the mud room. I went downstairs to pee and Payton was still awake watching tv. It's almost 11 pm. She should be asleep by now. Oh well. I guess I am going to get these cans around. Jeffery still isn't asleep. Well, one good thing did come out of today. Hope bought me a pack of cigarettes. :)