Moving Out..?

so nick asked me today if i want to move in to nikki's old apartment that is attached to my mom's house in bronson. hmm. i think all our bills add up to 400 dollars a month. and if we did move in then it'd be an extra 200 a month for rent. i don't know if we could do 600 dollars a month. but hope and jeff are kind of..pushing us aside, if you will. like they don't give a fuck if we are locked out of the house with no way in, or if we have something to eat, or if we are comfortable in the position we are in or not. and if we move then it will be our own place that is super cheap..but we would have to pay our own utlities too. and i just don't know if we can do that right now. i think it would be better to wait a month, and over the month put up like 50 to 100 dollars a week and then move.. just so we have a tiny bit of money to live on for a little while. ugh. i don't know. on one hand i really do want to move out of here, and then on the other hand i just don't know how we would make it. and i really don't want to be that close to my sister's husband, or my sisters. but, i do miss my niece and nephew and my mom. so..ugh, i am so torn over this. i want to..but i don't. and i am leaning more towards not moving. because i really don't want to be around ricky (my sister's husband). hope and jeff let payton get a dog.. i don't see why they let her, she didn't even take care of the hamsters they spent almost 100 dollars on. hope is going to end up having to take care of the dog and then they are going to get rid of it. now easy's food can't be downstairs and neither can her liter. moving out is looking better and better.

Headaches.

i have a headache everyday. ): it's been like this for a week now. and even if i take pain meds..te headache comes back after a few hours. i am so sick of this. nick isn't up yet. and i have been up for almost an hour. jeff went to go get a different car. he left at 9 am, and hasn't been back yet. ugh. i hate watching these kids. i was also thinking that i could wait a couple weeks after i get my phone to save up money, so if i need to i can stay at a hotel for a couple days. or maybe i would just put in on my phone account so it wont get shut off a month after i get it. i could put 10 to 20 dollars on it everytime i get money from babysitting. it doesn't look like jeff and hope are going to pay me this week either. and nick can't get another extention on his fine. he'll go to jail if he doesn't pay it today. i have no soda, and i am almost out of cigarettes. i think today is going to be one of the worst days of my life!! ugh.. i wish life would get easier. hmmm. i really can't wait to get out of here.. i know i will be happier in just about everyway. hopefully i can find someone to take me in for a little bit. and hopefully it's not someone nasty, or someone that i hate.

The Perfect Plan (:

I have the perfect plan on how and when to get rid of Nick.! I am going to wait until I get my phone..and probably when Fair Week is over. Then I am going to leave him. I am just going to tell him that I need my space. I need a phone, and I will have a month to come up with another 25 dollars to keep it turned on. But I am sure I can do that. (: The brillant things I think of! I am really excited about this. I just want to party and have fun! I want my life to be simple again. I want my young years to be ones I will want to remember. Maybe if I can find a job and Angel doesn't move to London, maybe she'll want to get a place with me. A really cheap one. I know they are out there. I would just have to look. Ugh. I want my phone right now. I cannot wait to get it! I want to thank my brain for this idea. (: Lmao. I want to be able to talk to whoever I want, be it guy or girl. I want freedom. I want to be single and be able to do what I want when I want. I want to be able to go to the bar and drink without having to worry about Nick getting mad. I want to be able to smoke pot when I want. I want to be able to get a job and my own place. I'm sure if I got the right job that it wouldn't be that hard...well maybe at first. Maybe Lacey would want to get a place together. That'd be cool. I want to walk to Admiral and turn in my application. But I wish I had a mp3 player to take with me. Because I hate walking without someone to talk to or music. Ugh. Oh well. I'll move on now. I have this whole plan, now I just have to do it. I can't screw up. Or everything might come crashing down on me. I will be soooo happy once I am out of here, and away from Nick. Only around 3 weeks to go! Ugh.. I am sooo excited. I can't forget that I am going to do this either. Maybe I can get ahold of Jessie and see if I can stay with him for awhile until I can get a job after I get my phone. I am debating on actually asking him or just moving in with my mom again. I would probably be able to work something out with Lona that if she pays my phone bill that I will watch Kalen for her. I just can't let Nick know where I am at. Leaving him might be hard to do when it comes time. But, I know it needs to be done. I can't stand him anymore. And I want out. I know this for sure. Maybe Jeff could just bring the kids over in the morning or I could stay at Angel's for awhile and watch kids there. Hmm. Maybe. I know that without me here Hope would have to find someone to watch her kids. Unless I can figure out a way to watch them without living here. Hopefully I can. I still need the money from them and Cory. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't let anyone know that I am doing this either. I will just have to get in a huge fight with Nick before he goes to work one day and then leave.. No note. No nothing. Just up and go. I wont tell anyone where I am going either. I will call my mom and tell her to come get me or something and then I will try to find a job, hopefully I will have one before then, and then get my own place. Maybe I could move to New York with Beth. That'd be awesome!! I would still want to find a job before I would go up there though. I want to do this so badly already. I can taste it! Lol. I want that phone, and I want to get away from here. Maybe I can talk Jessie into letting me stay with him if I buy food with my food stamps. He can barely afford rent let alone food, according to facebook anyway. That'd be cool. I would be able to come and go when I please..and not have to worry about him trying to fuck me all the time. It would be a friend helping out a friend until I could get on my own two feet. I would probably even fill out an application for an apartment in the projects while I was staying there. I would have to find someway to make some money to keep my phone turned on. But I'm sure I could do something for money for someone. I could start selling pot. Haha. Just joking. I want to plan out my life and have it all go according to plan..right now. Lol. I want to be happy again. I really do. And I know if I stay with Nick then I wont be happy. I need freedom..away from everyone. I just messaged Jessie. I hope he says yes. I asked him if I could stay with him until I could get a job and my own place in about a month. I hope he says yes. I need a place to go. I know I wont be able to go back to mom's..Nikki is moving in there and no one can afford the other appartment. I need to know that I will have a place to go when I leave here. A place where I know I wont get kicked out in a few hours, and a place where I know Nick wont look for me. He wont know that I am there. I will tell Hope that I am leaving a few days before I go. And that will be that. I will pack my shit..all my shit. And tell my mom to come get me. I will have a phone so my mom and Hope and other's will be able to get ahold of me. I wont answer for Nick. And I will screen every message and phone call I get. I will have to write down all the prepaid phone numbers and Payton's number so I know what numbers not to answer. I am so excited. I want to know what Jessie will say now, so I will know now if I will have a place to stay or if I will have to find some place else. I hope I wont have to though. Jessie is one of the last people I wanted to ask for help. But when things get tough you have to go what you have to do. Hopefully he will say it's okay and the next few weeks wont seem like they will take forever. But they probably will. And I will probably think that it's been like 2 months before I get my phone. The radio shack website says that the store has it in stock. So I am hoping that I can just go to the store to buy it. But if they don't have it then I will have to order it online and that could take forever for shipping. And then I would have to wait to buy minutes for it. Ugh, that would be a never ending process. I want to know what the future will hold. What answers I will get. Where I will get in life. I guess I am just going to have to wait and see. I'm so nervous! Cross your fingers people! I am trying to do better for myself and think about making myself happy before Nick. I can't take him any longer. I want to move..I want out of this one sided relationship once and for all.

Plan.

my plan to save up money to buy a cell phone.
give hope 50 dollars every saturday starting on july 15th.
then give her 80 dollars on july 29th.
and on the 29th i should be able to get a phone.
i hope all goes as planned.
i have to make like a little chart to make sure i put up money for it.
and to make sure i'm not miscalculating.



July 15th-- $50
July 22nd-- $50
July 29th-- $80

i hope this works!!
i know what phone i want too.
it's 149.99 from virgin mobile, and the plan i would choose is 45 dollars a month.
the plan would come with 1200 minutes and unlimited text, data, web, video & picture messaging.
the link: (just incase)

http://www.virginmobileusa.com/cell-phones/lg-optimus-v-phone.jsp

horrible days.

i think that i am going insane. i hate being in this house. i can't wait until we can get our own place again. i wish i knew the day we could move out so i knew when to expect it. but i know it wont be for almost a year. i will not stay in this house for more than a year. ugh.. ): i want to cry.

i am watching south park. it's kind of interesting. it's about the boys measuring their penis sizes and posting them on the school bulletin board. haha. hmm, i went for a walk today and now nick says he wants to go for a walk when he gets home. i don't think so. i'm not taking a walk at 3 am. nick is such an asshole. he wants me to ask his aunt for money for a fuel filter in the morning. i don't think i should have to. i think he should. it's not my car.. i told him not to get that piece of shit firebird.

easy is laying next to me (: i love her. she likes to try to catch the cursor on the computer.

i am sore. my ankles hurt. ): nick thinks we are having sex when he gets home. ha! i think not. i don't want to have sex all the time. i want to be able to go a week without it and without having to fight him off me. but i know that wont happen. ): i can never get anything to go the way i think it should. it kind of seems like it has to go his way.. ):

...

i am pretty lost for words anymore. i don't really have anything to say. everything is still the same. i hate everyday that i am alive.

our government is too fucked up to send a baby killer to the death chair.. and i want to kill myself.

enough said?

fights.

i think that it is time to find someone new. i want to feel loved again. and i also want to know what a real relationship is again. i want to be free and a guy still trust me, and a guy that will let me do what i want to do. i really don't want to be with nick anymore. i need to find a job and fast. i want a 3rd shift job, possibly at a gas station. i would save up money and move out. ugh, i just need to know that i have that job so i can support myself.

it's almost over (:

i don't want to be here anymore. i am ready to go, be on my own. i need to find a job first though. nick got mad at me today..of course. he hit me more than once, on my leg. and ohhhh and i telling lacey. hahaha. he is such an asshole. i really can't stand to even be around him anymore. he is making me stay with him even though he knows that i don't want to. i even gave him back his ring today, and he made me put it back on. bullshit. i am sick of being treated like shit. i hate this fucking shit. i am done. i am mentally done in this relationship. now the hard part comes...physically getting out of this relationship. ugh, i was thinking that i want to find a 3rd shift job. so i can save up some money and get my own place. without everything and everyone. haha. i would still watch the kids, they would just have to bring them to my place instead of me living here.

ugh, i hate living with nick. i don't want to even be around him anymore. i wish he would either let me die, or him kill himself. he is still an over controlling asshole. and i know that it's never going to change.

i finally got some soap so i can wash my piercing. yay. maybe i can get rid of this infection. (: that'll be nice.

today.

today i stood up for myself.. well more like last night. i told nick how it is. i told him that if we don't change then our relationship wont work. and today he is acting better...he went out on a boat and i stayed home. he didn't seem mad. i hope he wont be when he comes back. mary came and got him and she told me to come and i told her no that i don't want to. i don't feel like getting burnt today and being out all day... but no one seemed to care about what i wanted. i don't know how to take how he is acting. he said he wont care either way if i go on the boat or not. so..we'll see. we are suppose to go light off fireworks tonight, and i just know that if i went on that boat that i wouldn't want to go when it's time to light off fireworks. ugh. hope, jeff, and the kids are going swimming around 1 and i don't want to go then either. i just want to stay inside for most of the day and relax. ugh, that sounds so nice. just a quiet day inside relaxing. (: i hope it doesn't get ruined.

overbearing asshole.

well, nick hasn't changed at all. ): he is still bossing me around and saying shit. he got his car back today. ugh, i just want to leave him once and for all. jeff took him to go with him to get fireworks. and nick asked me if i was going too. i don't have to follow him around. i am not his servant. ugh. things have to change or else i will leave again, and i wont come back. i am going to tell him that we need to talk.

Completely Useless.

i have come to the conclusion that i am worthless in everyway.
nick is mad at me because his car wont be fixed until tuesday.
how is that my fault?
i tried to stop him from buying it.
he wouldn't listen to me and told me to shut up and not to worry about it.
he though he knew what he was doing.
obviously he didn't.
i bought him his anniversary present today.
and that isn't good enough for him.
he told me that he does everything for others and no one does anything for him.
): what am i doing wrong?
or should i even be thinking that i did something wrong?
is this all my fault?
i sure feel like it is.
i hate this.
i can't stand him when he is like this.
i hope that his aunt and unlce come home soon.
i need to get away from him.
i know i do.
but he makes me follow him everywhere.
even if it is only to the dinning room table.
if he is out there and i want to sit in the living room...i can't.
he wont let me.
this relationship isn't mine and nick's.
it's nick's.
i have no say what so ever.
): what am i suppose to do?
go to a womens shelter because he is emotionally and mentally abusing me?
i can't do that.
well, more like i don't want to.
sometimes i think i deserve all of this.
but i really don't see how i deserve to get treated like shit because his car isn't fixed.
ugh. this sucks.
i just admitted to lacey what nick has done to me.
like physically abused me just because he was mad.
she says i need to stand up to him.
it's not that easy.
i think i should write a book.
i would have plently of things to put in it, that's for sure.
i think i would call it "doormat".
because that is all i am to him...a doormat.
it's 6:10...employment plus closes at 6:30.
i hope he made it in time to get his check.
i will know if he went to work when cory gets back.
i really hope he did.
i think jeff and hope are home.
at least i really hope they are.
i am so scared of nick.
no one seems to understand that.
he makes me feel like i don't belong anywhere.
like i am an outcast.
does anyone really like me?..even as a friend?
i am basically spilling my guts to lacey.
i feels good.
she says that if she hears that he hurt me she will blast him in the face.
haha, i couldn't see her doing that.
but, who knows...she might.
it was nick's mistake not to take the ride from shannon to work.
it was frank's mistake to tell him his car would be done today if he didn't know what was all wrong with it.
and nick makes me feel like all this is my fault. ):
fuckkkk. i just want to die.
it might be easier that way.
i know nick has seen the cuts on my arm.
he just hasn't said anything about them.
i feel like i should just go get a razor and end it all now.
dying is the only way i will get away from him...at least that's what it feels like.
would everyone's life be better without me here?