Moving Out..?

so nick asked me today if i want to move in to nikki's old apartment that is attached to my mom's house in bronson. hmm. i think all our bills add up to 400 dollars a month. and if we did move in then it'd be an extra 200 a month for rent. i don't know if we could do 600 dollars a month. but hope and jeff are kind of..pushing us aside, if you will. like they don't give a fuck if we are locked out of the house with no way in, or if we have something to eat, or if we are comfortable in the position we are in or not. and if we move then it will be our own place that is super cheap..but we would have to pay our own utlities too. and i just don't know if we can do that right now. i think it would be better to wait a month, and over the month put up like 50 to 100 dollars a week and then move.. just so we have a tiny bit of money to live on for a little while. ugh. i don't know. on one hand i really do want to move out of here, and then on the other hand i just don't know how we would make it. and i really don't want to be that close to my sister's husband, or my sisters. but, i do miss my niece and nephew and my mom. so..ugh, i am so torn over this. i want to..but i don't. and i am leaning more towards not moving. because i really don't want to be around ricky (my sister's husband). hope and jeff let payton get a dog.. i don't see why they let her, she didn't even take care of the hamsters they spent almost 100 dollars on. hope is going to end up having to take care of the dog and then they are going to get rid of it. now easy's food can't be downstairs and neither can her liter. moving out is looking better and better.

Headaches.

i have a headache everyday. ): it's been like this for a week now. and even if i take pain meds..te headache comes back after a few hours. i am so sick of this. nick isn't up yet. and i have been up for almost an hour. jeff went to go get a different car. he left at 9 am, and hasn't been back yet. ugh. i hate watching these kids. i was also thinking that i could wait a couple weeks after i get my phone to save up money, so if i need to i can stay at a hotel for a couple days. or maybe i would just put in on my phone account so it wont get shut off a month after i get it. i could put 10 to 20 dollars on it everytime i get money from babysitting. it doesn't look like jeff and hope are going to pay me this week either. and nick can't get another extention on his fine. he'll go to jail if he doesn't pay it today. i have no soda, and i am almost out of cigarettes. i think today is going to be one of the worst days of my life!! ugh.. i wish life would get easier. hmmm. i really can't wait to get out of here.. i know i will be happier in just about everyway. hopefully i can find someone to take me in for a little bit. and hopefully it's not someone nasty, or someone that i hate.

The Perfect Plan (:

I have the perfect plan on how and when to get rid of Nick.! I am going to wait until I get my phone..and probably when Fair Week is over. Then I am going to leave him. I am just going to tell him that I need my space. I need a phone, and I will have a month to come up with another 25 dollars to keep it turned on. But I am sure I can do that. (: The brillant things I think of! I am really excited about this. I just want to party and have fun! I want my life to be simple again. I want my young years to be ones I will want to remember. Maybe if I can find a job and Angel doesn't move to London, maybe she'll want to get a place with me. A really cheap one. I know they are out there. I would just have to look. Ugh. I want my phone right now. I cannot wait to get it! I want to thank my brain for this idea. (: Lmao. I want to be able to talk to whoever I want, be it guy or girl. I want freedom. I want to be single and be able to do what I want when I want. I want to be able to go to the bar and drink without having to worry about Nick getting mad. I want to be able to smoke pot when I want. I want to be able to get a job and my own place. I'm sure if I got the right job that it wouldn't be that hard...well maybe at first. Maybe Lacey would want to get a place together. That'd be cool. I want to walk to Admiral and turn in my application. But I wish I had a mp3 player to take with me. Because I hate walking without someone to talk to or music. Ugh. Oh well. I'll move on now. I have this whole plan, now I just have to do it. I can't screw up. Or everything might come crashing down on me. I will be soooo happy once I am out of here, and away from Nick. Only around 3 weeks to go! Ugh.. I am sooo excited. I can't forget that I am going to do this either. Maybe I can get ahold of Jessie and see if I can stay with him for awhile until I can get a job after I get my phone. I am debating on actually asking him or just moving in with my mom again. I would probably be able to work something out with Lona that if she pays my phone bill that I will watch Kalen for her. I just can't let Nick know where I am at. Leaving him might be hard to do when it comes time. But, I know it needs to be done. I can't stand him anymore. And I want out. I know this for sure. Maybe Jeff could just bring the kids over in the morning or I could stay at Angel's for awhile and watch kids there. Hmm. Maybe. I know that without me here Hope would have to find someone to watch her kids. Unless I can figure out a way to watch them without living here. Hopefully I can. I still need the money from them and Cory. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't let anyone know that I am doing this either. I will just have to get in a huge fight with Nick before he goes to work one day and then leave.. No note. No nothing. Just up and go. I wont tell anyone where I am going either. I will call my mom and tell her to come get me or something and then I will try to find a job, hopefully I will have one before then, and then get my own place. Maybe I could move to New York with Beth. That'd be awesome!! I would still want to find a job before I would go up there though. I want to do this so badly already. I can taste it! Lol. I want that phone, and I want to get away from here. Maybe I can talk Jessie into letting me stay with him if I buy food with my food stamps. He can barely afford rent let alone food, according to facebook anyway. That'd be cool. I would be able to come and go when I please..and not have to worry about him trying to fuck me all the time. It would be a friend helping out a friend until I could get on my own two feet. I would probably even fill out an application for an apartment in the projects while I was staying there. I would have to find someway to make some money to keep my phone turned on. But I'm sure I could do something for money for someone. I could start selling pot. Haha. Just joking. I want to plan out my life and have it all go according to plan..right now. Lol. I want to be happy again. I really do. And I know if I stay with Nick then I wont be happy. I need freedom..away from everyone. I just messaged Jessie. I hope he says yes. I asked him if I could stay with him until I could get a job and my own place in about a month. I hope he says yes. I need a place to go. I know I wont be able to go back to mom's..Nikki is moving in there and no one can afford the other appartment. I need to know that I will have a place to go when I leave here. A place where I know I wont get kicked out in a few hours, and a place where I know Nick wont look for me. He wont know that I am there. I will tell Hope that I am leaving a few days before I go. And that will be that. I will pack my shit..all my shit. And tell my mom to come get me. I will have a phone so my mom and Hope and other's will be able to get ahold of me. I wont answer for Nick. And I will screen every message and phone call I get. I will have to write down all the prepaid phone numbers and Payton's number so I know what numbers not to answer. I am so excited. I want to know what Jessie will say now, so I will know now if I will have a place to stay or if I will have to find some place else. I hope I wont have to though. Jessie is one of the last people I wanted to ask for help. But when things get tough you have to go what you have to do. Hopefully he will say it's okay and the next few weeks wont seem like they will take forever. But they probably will. And I will probably think that it's been like 2 months before I get my phone. The radio shack website says that the store has it in stock. So I am hoping that I can just go to the store to buy it. But if they don't have it then I will have to order it online and that could take forever for shipping. And then I would have to wait to buy minutes for it. Ugh, that would be a never ending process. I want to know what the future will hold. What answers I will get. Where I will get in life. I guess I am just going to have to wait and see. I'm so nervous! Cross your fingers people! I am trying to do better for myself and think about making myself happy before Nick. I can't take him any longer. I want to move..I want out of this one sided relationship once and for all.

Plan.

my plan to save up money to buy a cell phone.
give hope 50 dollars every saturday starting on july 15th.
then give her 80 dollars on july 29th.
and on the 29th i should be able to get a phone.
i hope all goes as planned.
i have to make like a little chart to make sure i put up money for it.
and to make sure i'm not miscalculating.



July 15th-- $50
July 22nd-- $50
July 29th-- $80

i hope this works!!
i know what phone i want too.
it's 149.99 from virgin mobile, and the plan i would choose is 45 dollars a month.
the plan would come with 1200 minutes and unlimited text, data, web, video & picture messaging.
the link: (just incase)

http://www.virginmobileusa.com/cell-phones/lg-optimus-v-phone.jsp

horrible days.

i think that i am going insane. i hate being in this house. i can't wait until we can get our own place again. i wish i knew the day we could move out so i knew when to expect it. but i know it wont be for almost a year. i will not stay in this house for more than a year. ugh.. ): i want to cry.

i am watching south park. it's kind of interesting. it's about the boys measuring their penis sizes and posting them on the school bulletin board. haha. hmm, i went for a walk today and now nick says he wants to go for a walk when he gets home. i don't think so. i'm not taking a walk at 3 am. nick is such an asshole. he wants me to ask his aunt for money for a fuel filter in the morning. i don't think i should have to. i think he should. it's not my car.. i told him not to get that piece of shit firebird.

easy is laying next to me (: i love her. she likes to try to catch the cursor on the computer.

i am sore. my ankles hurt. ): nick thinks we are having sex when he gets home. ha! i think not. i don't want to have sex all the time. i want to be able to go a week without it and without having to fight him off me. but i know that wont happen. ): i can never get anything to go the way i think it should. it kind of seems like it has to go his way.. ):

...

i am pretty lost for words anymore. i don't really have anything to say. everything is still the same. i hate everyday that i am alive.

our government is too fucked up to send a baby killer to the death chair.. and i want to kill myself.

enough said?

fights.

i think that it is time to find someone new. i want to feel loved again. and i also want to know what a real relationship is again. i want to be free and a guy still trust me, and a guy that will let me do what i want to do. i really don't want to be with nick anymore. i need to find a job and fast. i want a 3rd shift job, possibly at a gas station. i would save up money and move out. ugh, i just need to know that i have that job so i can support myself.